Loss, Grief, and Change
My post called I Cry Daily started out “I have to admit I never saw myself as a caregiver to my husband”.
Well, I am no longer a full time caregiver. As quickly as it took him to take his last breath I went from wife to widow. After battling brain cancer since January of this year my husband of 46 years was gone on Friday, October 19 at around 4 am.
Today, at 4:00 am I lay here wondering why and not understanding what God has in mind taking my husband, father of our three children, grandpa to three and friend and colleague to many. Sitting in limbo space between burial and Memorial Service I wonder why and wondering if I know how to live as a single person having been engaged second semester of my senior year of high school and married at age 20 we were rarely separated for any length of time.
Interrupting my wondering wandering I hear the bling of a notification on my phone and actually feel prompted to see what it is that would show up at 4:03 am on Twitter.
Never question if God answers prayer. We just need to be available to hear his answer no matter how he sends it.
So at 4:03 am God tweeted me using Amy Carroll of Proverbs 31 Ministries. Her blog on The Uncomfortable Gift of Elbow Room definitely spoke to my need. She states:
“Change is hard because it always involves a loss, but our good God makes sure that there are gains that accompany our grief.”
And so, I am back to my New Years commitment – whatever happens in 2018 make it count. And, I still cry daily.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”
To God be the glory
Check out Amy Carrol’s blog and be blessed The Uncomfortable Gift of Elbow Room
I have to admit I never saw myself as a caregiver to my husband. And yet here we are. Some days I feel like I am in one of those Hallmark movies where you fall asleep and wake up with another life. There are days I wonder if I will ever get my husband back as his personality has changed some. Hoping it is just inflammation, steroids or one of the many meds he takes. I expect him to walk out of the next room, I need to go somewhere and I expect him to come along and drive or make one of the many financial decisions. I am still in denial and I cry daily.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
1 Peter 5:8-10 “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast”
A friend posted this on FB not too long ago.
“Satan does not want to beat you, imprison you, take your job away from you… He has 2 desires 1. He wants to keep you from having access to Jesus and 2. To shut you up and make you keep your faith to yourself.”
(Retweeted Vikram Pimplekar (@VPimplekar):
#WEC2018 @DallasSeminary #thetaskunfinished
This is very meaningful as I contemplate my new role as a full time caregiver to my husband. We have been actively serving in our church with leadership responsibilities. But that changed when a routine back surgery ended up as a discovery procedure and after several CT Scans and MRI’s the final diagnosis is brain cancer. My husband has brain cancer. His left side is nearly paralyzed. Radiation could help if it shrinks the tumor and he gets full use of his left side again.
So, in a sense we both feel shut up and really have no interaction, except by email, texting or FB although family members do stop by when they can and have really helped with a lot of things we take for granted. So we have decided that Satan will not shut us up. BUT since we already have access to Jesus Satan has already been thwarted and this blog will be our voice.
Shout to the LORD, all the earth; break out in praise and sing for joy! Psalm 98:4 NLT.